Mother-In-Laws

[d00dlebug]

I feel incredibly lucky to have a husband who is willing to put aside his own career to go wherever this job search takes me. My mother-in-law, however, has been less than understanding about the whole situation. She is angry that we will (inevitably) be moving far away, and that her son will (maybe) end up “wasting his education” to support me in my career. Any words of wisdom out there for dealing with family hostility/lack of understanding in this job search process?

[ohh]

That stinks, sorry! I think though, that your husband needs to talk to his mom (again?), so it is not between you and her. I think she would listen more to her "baby" when he tells her that the type of woman he wants is interesting, smart, and career oriented. He would not be happy with anyone else.

[yepyep]

My words of wisdom:

1. Fuck her, you'll be living far, far away soon, and your husband obviously supports your decisions

2. When in doubt, see #1

[predictable]

The people in our lives will almost inevitably behave as selfishly as we fear, because it is the nature of family relations. They also don't always understand academic life, such that my mother-in-law wants to know why I can't just get a job close to her and makes off-the-cuff comments whenever I mention applying to a place on the other side of the country. Quite honestly, what is best for the immediate family is ALL that matters; everybody else will have to adjust willingly or hesitantly. Anything else is an injustice to the household.

I find it interesting that your mother-in-law has this perspective that her son would be "wasting his education" to help your career, and I wonder if she would have the same concern about you if you were following him to a new destination; my intuitive sense is that she would not, and I question whether this is more a matter of wanting the best for her child or an assumption about gender roles. (Few people seem too concerned with my wife's career prospects being negatively impacted by my choice, but I have prioritized her opportunities for advancement in my search.)

[rrr]

^^ ha. Good rules.

Maybe he's dodging a bullet to get out of the area, and you are providing a nice excuse for him to leave also. However, don't let him dump her drama onto you. That's his problem.

[newProf]

I've been married a long time, and we have moved three times, all for my job (pre-PhD, but a similar field). We never tell my MIL anything substantial until it's been decided. It may be too late now if your MIL is fixated on the topic, but we have done the following :
1. not told her what we were planning
2. once that was unavoidable, never brought up the topic at all
3. when she brought it up, we offered a vague tidbit and got off the subject as quickly as possible
4. offered vague reassurances (not lies) to placate her anxieties

My husband has actually done really well for himself as he's followed me around--he still makes more money than I do, even though I am done with the PhD and have an academic job now. Following a spouse and having a successful career do not have to be mutually exclusive. As for living far away, unless she is afraid of flying, just mention how easy it is to travel nowadays, and change the subject. Being reassuring rather than annoyed will go a long way if you can stomach it.

[d00dlebug]

Thanks for all of the support and advice.

I'm hopeful that with some reassurance (from my husband) and with careful management of expectations, my mother-in-law will eventually understand (if not accept) this choice. In a way, though, I get how she feels - I'll certainly miss being close to family and friends, and I feel horribly guilty about the possibility of limiting my husband's career options. But I also realize that this job (heck, today's economy in general) requires a hefty dose of geographic flexibility.

On "predictable's" point, I totally agree that this would be a very different conversation if the roles were reversed (both for personal reasons and for gendered ones).

[no idea]

I have no idea. But I feel your pain. My mother-in-law suggests on a regular basis that I should leave academia to become a stay at home mom.

[rrr]

^ Awesome. Won't that just be the culmination of all of your years of graduate education. (Let me preemptively say I'm being sarcastic here, literal people.)

[no idea]

Seriously. I went to a top program, have a tt job at an excellent r1. If it was what I wanted, that'd be one thing. But she thinks I should want it and that I should do it so that we can move back near her. I don't know what she is thinking, I have more education and make more money than her son. Why doesn't he become a stay at home dad? (although that wouldn't solve anything I suppose as we wouldn't be able to move back near her)

[no idea]

Ha ha - that should be more money than my husband not my son. Though I do make more money than him too. Kindergarten doesn't pay well at all!

[ohh]

There is just no talking logic with those who have such drastically different views. My partner's dad's wife was amazed that I am a caring mother AND a career woman. She had no idea the two could co-exist.

What works for us: We don't see them much, and when we do it is for short time periods. I prepped myself before going, for example, knowing I would be sent sent to another room to breastfeed so they wouldn't have to see a gasp, breast! We try to not talk about anything substantial (i.e. controversial) when around them.

[overly excited]

or the other extreme: my MIL is so proud of me, and seems to think i should be able to land any job i want. she's also extremely supportive of my decision to be a working mom, more so than my own mother. my MIL's optimism however, can be annoying as she "checks in" regularly on my job search and gives unsolicited pep talks.

i think ohh's suggestions are right on. as long as your husband is supportive and understanding, she should be too!

[unclekarl]

While I am a male, I have watched my own mother act as a mother-in-law to my sister. From her perspective, she wants her 'baby' and grandchildren to be near her. She does not understand why, for example, I don't get a job at the local university [or high school], or why my younger sibling is moving for her career away from 'home'. My sister and I just laugh and go about our lives. We go about our lives, & love our mother, with the understanding she's gets nutty when it comes to her kids. One other observation is that creating opportunities to be with her grandchildren leaves her feeling very happy and cuts down on issues.

I say all this because 1) I think its very important to recognize the issue with your mother-in-law, 2) your mother-in-law is coming from a desire to have her family near her, which says she cares a lot about her kids 3) she likely does not get the complexities of the job market, and has different norms about what 'family' should do & 4) if you have children and the issue is being with them, giving her time to visit with her grandkids can alleviate many issues [not to mention providing time for you and your husband to potentially have some time off].

It may also well be that your mother-in-law invokes the 'Run, Forest, Run!!!' desire. In that case, distance is probably good. I agree with the person above who says that its important that her son express his desire to move for your work with her. If nothing else, it makes it clear for you that this is *his* choice, and that you aren't controlling his life.

[Yup]

I'd be patient and understanding about her concern. For all she knows, your marriage may end in divorce, leaving your (ex)husband years behind in his career pursuit and unhappy. It's the gender-reversal of what many women's mothers may have felt, that their brilliant daughter was throwing it all away (or at risk) because of a partner who appears to not be sacrificing equally.

There's no good solution except to avoid the topic, and let the mother know that her son is happy doing his chosen alternative.