self esteem woes

[worthless]

I just had the most bizarre feeling, and I don't think there is anyone else that would understand except maybe here, so here it goes.

So this isn't my first go around on the market. First time around I had some interviews at teaching places, but I am still looking (got temp positions, etc). I have pretty much become desensitized to rejections. Don't get me wrong, I didn't really lose hope, but I was almost certain that I would get no action until the more teaching oriented places announce positions in the spring.

And then just this week I got a call for an interview at an R1. One that hadn't even been on my radar for a while. And to my surprise, the first thing that I felt after the initial shock wasn't happiness, but panic. Panic that they'd figure me out for a fraud, that if they made the offer I'd never be good enough to get tenure there, that I'd be a huge disappointment to everyone. Then it hit me, that I wasn't as desensitized to rejections, that I had merely internalized them.

And every time I've even tried to talk about this feeling to someone, they looked at me like I'm crazy. Anyone ever felt this? Experience this? Have any tips on how to deal with this?

[drbearjew]

I share your exact same feelings - minus the invite to an R1, which I'm still hoping for someday.

But yes, I constantly feel as though I will be 'found out', that someone will somehow discover that my project is nothing but crafty rhetoric and engagement in hermeneutics. And then, I remind myself that I know my research better than anyone else out there. I remind myself that I trust my training, I trust my committee who saw my project all the way through, and I trust my instincts.

I'm still waiting on a call for an invite. But you deserve a hearty congratulations. Give 'em hell.

[big guppy little pond]

preparation is a gift you give yourself.

[rrr]

This is logical - the stakes are higher, so is the anxiety level.

[unclekarl]

If you are going to panic, it may be best to try and not over-prepare. Read a good novel, play an RPG, or work on a paper instead of focusing on an interview. Being too anxious may lead you to underperform, or come across as desperate.

[worthless]

Thanks for the advice.

Though I feel I must clarify. I don't feel particularly anxious about the interview itself or my talk. That is, it's not a feeling like I had when I first got an interview or anything like that.
It is a strange and unexpected thing that I think probably only those in the market for a 2nd or 3rd time might understand. It's a sort of a "so many other places rejected me, this place must have made a mistake." A sort of incredulity that they must have called the wrong person somehow. It's unlike anything I've felt before, which is why it is so hard to articulate it.

[sounds familiar]

There have been times when I wished there was private messaging on this board and this is one of them. Admin can this feature be added? I can't say more without it, but, for what it's worth, I totally know how you feel!

[ElDuderino]

Only registered users can PM each other.

[unclekarl]

Nov 15, 2011 23:18:53 GMT -5 @worthless said:

Thanks for the advice.

Though I feel I must clarify. I don't feel particularly anxious about the interview itself or my talk. That is, it's not a feeling like I had when I first got an interview or anything like that.
It is a strange and unexpected thing that I think probably only those in the market for a 2nd or 3rd time might understand. It's a sort of a "so many other places rejected me, this place must have made a mistake." A sort of incredulity that they must have called the wrong person somehow. It's unlike anything I've felt before, which is why it is so hard to articulate it.

Thank you for clarifying--that also very much makes sense to me [my second time on the market, with nada in '09]. Looking over who's being hired these days, I do not know why I even bother applying to many places.

In a sense, do you feel like a soldier who has received a Medal of Honor or Navy Cross, and feels that the medal was awarded, but not 'earned'? My understanding is that such soldiers feel they have not done anything extraordinary; it was more that they were just present and selected for distinction.

Taking an interview and a job, in this hellish environment, is something most of us would want someone in your position to do. Its symbolically important for those of us who are 'stuck' as adjuncts or 'professional research assistants' and unable to move forward in what is a very unmerocratic system.

[anonime]

I think I know how you feel. I also felt the same way when I was on the first month of my job as a VAP in a prestigious college. The first month was a bit brutal for me in terms of adjustment to a full-time job. It was a lot of work and most of all, I felt like a fake. I was very self-conscious and totally lacked confidence that I may not be good enough for the job. I felt like I was less of an intellectual compared to my colleagues. I don't know how I really got over this but I think it helped that I pray.

Now, I would still have some spurts of doubt but it was no longer as nagging. I guess what you feel and how I felt is something that goes with the profession because our profession requires a lot of confidence in ourselves. I would also think that those who came from the top departments might not have much of these kinds of feelings/thoughts as compared to those who came from the top 100 but I could be wrong.

In any case, I would say, just focus on the things that you do best and focus your thoughts on the things that you can control. Try to psych up that you are as good as the other candidates and definitely not a fake. Just think that you have spent so many years of preparing yourself for this and that you are now a PhD and you have every claim for that title. Good luck with your interview and show them how fabulous you are.

[ip]

The imposter phenomenon is a well-documented issue for high-achieving individuals - particularly women, racial minorities, and first-generation college students. Above responses are correct, though, that if you let it overtake you on the interview, it could make you appear less confident and competent (like stereotype threat). It might be worth doing a bit of reading on it, just to understand what you're experiencing and how to fight those thoughts.

[smashthestate]

Indeed the sociology of education has a whole literature on how students feel like fakes in academia when they come from a working class family of origins.

[recommend]

would love to read those... any specific citations?

[ip]

Here's a recent popular press book on the subject: www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Successful-Women-Impostor/dp/0307452719/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326501468&sr=8-1